Friday, December 27, 2013

What NEEDS to happen in 2014

I am not one for making new years resolutions.  I set goals for myself and work all year to meet every goal and  self expectation I have for me.

 In 2013 I had a few goals.
1. Leave Amazon- Good company to work for, but I knew they weren't using me to my potential.  I know now I am struggling with finding a job, but I am seeking jobs that I want and doing all I can to make sure I can easily get better jobs than that.
2.  Get in a better mental place- this was very important to me. I had ups and downs with depression this year, I never want to get in to a dark place again.

In 2014 these things have to happen.
1. I NEED to be teaching not want NEED. I know now that I have a confidence in myself that I am a good educator and I need to be molding the next generation.
2.   I need a steady job. Yes, it needs to happen I have to get my own place again no matter what. The Lozano's need to both be working so we can Finally settle down.  ( Both of us)
3. Education is everything to me, need to get onto this doctoral school route
4.  I need to educate the world about fibro

I know I can and will do these! 

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Merry Christmas

 I use this blog as an outlet I don't know how many of you read it. However; I did just want to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas ( Happy Holidays if we are being PC) . May your days be blessed!.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Most wonderful time of the year?

So I had an appointment with my OB GYN yesterday that was recommended to me by my other doctors when I moved back home. ( She is amazing her and my other doctor trained together so they are a lot alike). The appointment was good but it came with big decisions that my husband and I have to make.
Basically we are going to try clomid 1 more time to see if I can ovulate. basically I will be on 50 mgs. for 3 months and then if I am still not ovulating the dose will increase to 100 mgs ( Which we don't want to do unless we have to because that increases the chance of pregnancy and multiples) If that fails we have to decide whether or not I want to go through with other testing to see why I am not getting pregnant. This is hard because I am uninsured. Sooo yea. That leaves me with pretty much no options. I don't want to do in-vetro and all other methods are expensive. So basically I left the appointment depressed because finically I can't afford to go through any testing etc. So Adoption is very high on the list of possibilities. Not that we can't have a baby naturally but I am not going into debt and putting myself through all of this physical and emotional stuff. It's been hard enough as it is. so that is the deal. Adoption is a wonderful thing, and anyone with information on good agencies etc please pass it along

Musically things are getting intense.  I did two band concerts in a week and then I have 3 performance gigs before Christmas. I love this time musically its busy and I NEED to be busy. 

School Starts back up in Jan.  Excited yay

Other than that... Fa la la la la

Sunday, December 8, 2013

FAQ Time!

 In the middle of this flare I am going through I wanted to take time to answer frequently asked questions. I get these about my life, my condition, and the things that I do.

Q:   How old are you?
A:   27

Q:  What is your job?
A:  Well, that depends on the day, and the time of the year.  The General answer is I teach.  However; I currently am not in a particular school district nor do I have my teaching certification.   I travel around teaching in various places.  Schools, Senior Centers,  Summer programs. Everywhere.

Q: You are always in school, How many degrees do you have and will you ever stop going to school?

A: LOL I am your textbook "Professional Student" I am always in school or taking some sort of class.  Currently the highest degree I've earned is my master's degree.  I have about 48 hours of post masters work ( Leading to an advanced certificate) and I am currently taking classes in special education so I can get my teaching certification.   I am not stopping until I am  Dr. Lozano,   I consider myself to be a lifelong learner. I promote that heavily in all that I do.

Q:   Single? 
A: Nope happily married :)

Q:  Do you have any hobbies? 
A: Yes, doesn't everyone? LOL Mine are reading, crafting, and volunteering

Q: Any special talents other than the music thing?
A: No special talents persay lol, I accepted a call to God and became an ordained minister. I am also an activist for various things. Disability rights, Human rights, Gay Rights just to name a few.  I try to become knowledgeable about many different things. I don't like being bored.

Q:  You have seem very positive about your fibro experience, how do you manage to do that despite your pain? 
A:    I have been through a lot in my life, not just fibro. I began my life as a fighter and I've been doing so every since.  The doctors never gave me a chance at life. Pretty much, if I hadn't died the doctors predicted that I would have serious mental and physical problems that would prevent me from leading a "normal" life.  Well... you see what happened there.  Yes, I had limitations being blind in one eye but I was raised like a "normal" kid and taught to adapt to my situations.  I never knew anything different. I just made life work for me. That is what I continue to do.     Admittedly,  fibro has caught me a little bit off guard but I was determined not to let fibro run me.  Yes, I try to keep a smile on my face because if I didn't honestly I'd be really hard to be around, it would be so depressing.  I am just real honest with myself. I am in constant pain almost every day.  Some days pain is tolerable, others it is unbearable at times. Good days and bad, I can't shut down.   There are days when I have to just stay in bed,  I will get up to do the basic essentials but at least I am getting up.  Sometimes I can roll all day like the energizer bunny it just depends.  Regardless, of the severity of the pain I try to get up, say hi to someone and then go back to bed. :)

Q:  How has fibro impacted your busy crazy schedule?
A:  Honestly, a lot.  At 27 I never thought I would have to slow the heck down so much.  I have recognized this though. I am FINALLY! After a year and a half almost, accepting this fact and trying to adjust my life accordingly.    I still "try" to move around and do everything I used to do. ( I was a music major so I was constantly going and going. Sometimes only on limited amounts of sleep and 1 meal a day)  However; I have learned to listen to my body more and stop when I need to.

Q: Can you find a steady job?
A: I hope so,  honestly it has been difficult since leaving Amazon. Due to limitations with my visual impairment ( The fact that I am not able to get my drivers license) and the limitations due to fibro ( decreased strength in my hands and the inability to lift more than 10 Lbs ect) It has been a challenge but I am hanging in there and still looking. My dream job is to teach at a College or a University and I am still working towards that.

Q:  Has fibro made you unable to do many things you used to do?
A:  Yes, but that doesn't stop me from doing them.

Q: What keeps you going? 
A: GOD, My Family and my Friends.

Do you do anything to promote fibromyalgia awareness? 
A: Yes, Education is the key and that is what I do.

Have you found support groups helpful? 
A: See my blog  How Fibro Heros Saved my life

Will you answer other questions? 
A: Yes, I am an open book pretty much. If it gets too personal I will tell you.

Thanks for reading. I hope this has answered any questions you have had.  Contact me if you want to know more :)

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Holidays are upon us.

 As we enter in the holiday season ( and hell months for musicians)  I just wanted to update.
Still here with my mom, God Bless her. I would really like to find out own apartment soon. ( Income tax time!)
I still have no doctor.  Which is not good, I have been awful lately and it's not good at all
Hubby has a job and I do too but it dosen't help ( So happy for him though)

Still I am trying to enjoy life and the holidays

Wednesday, August 14, 2013


 Many people ask me "How do you cope with the pain you feel daily without meds?"

My answer is normally, " I kinda just do"  Which isn't un true I use my self disicipline to get me through a lot of my days.  A lot of the time I am working and dealing with people so I am unable to take anything that is going to make me sleepy or knock me out. 
Here are some of the things I do:

1.   Stay in constant communication with my support group.  When I say constant communication I am not joking,  at any giving time I can post on that page how I am feeling and will have responses in seconds my friends there help me breathe and get through the rough patch, I also have many members phone numbers so if all else fails they are a call or text away. ( I Love Fibro Heroes!!!!!)

2.   Breathing works.  Yes its true taking a few deep breathes when the pain is very intense dosent make it go away but it helps me relax

3. Remember my stress/ pain management skills from counseling, this is why I went to counseling to begin with so that I can manage this without meds.

4.  Hang out with my Thearpy Cats Lilla and Skye.   Yes, I legitimately have two wonderful kitties that help me during a flare and provide me with emotional comfort.
  Lilla is certified and Skye is in training.  I trained Lilla myself and boy dose my baby girl  know when mommy needs her.  Her and her baby sister Skye hang with me all day sometimes before they go and do cat things lol. 

5. reach out to family and friends they get it and will talk to me to take my mind off of pain.

6. Music therapy ( I am certified in this so it works for me as my own patient :) )

So its a lot and honestly it dosen't always work, I break down and take something, and honesly now I've had to come to terms with the fact that its OK for me to do that sometime! I am not crazy nor do I always have to be strong about pain.

 Its been about a year and a half since my diagnosis and I am doing OK.   The main thing now is to get my depression under control once I do that I will feel better about myself and even more ready to conquer the world.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

How Fibro Hero's saved my life.

  When I was first diagnosed with fibro, I did what I think anyone would do in my situation.  I did my research on the condition and sought out others dealing with the same issues.  There was no physical support group in my area for fibromyalgia so I turned to the next best thing social media.   I typed in "Fibromyalgia" and of course TONS of groups popped up.  So I just joined the main group with the highest number of people in it.

In that general group I came across so much hatred towards others, "Cure all treatments",  and generally very nastiness.  It did provide me with information but the support towards others ( what fibro patients need wasn't there at all)  It was to the point were I got sick of looking on that page, because it was too much freaking DRAMA from everyone.  So I left, I wasn't adding to the stress I was already under for the sake of trying to find information and out of 1000 members maybe only meet like 3 decent people.

  A few months went by and one day I got a "Friend request" from "Fibro Heroes"  I was like hmmmmm ok so I checked out the group and basically it was another fibro suffer  who had also had horrible experiences on the same page I had left, she wanted to start her own group that did what we needed to do, support each other without the BS and Drama.

I remember the group starting off at about 30 members but we were all super super close to each other, we would all check in at least daily and bonds were created quick with one another, it became an addiction, Every day I was on that group checking making sure everyone was OK and posting about my  life as well.   The group grew not only with members that were suffering from fibro but their personal supporters as well, My husband saw that I was "happy" in the group and joined too in support of me and all of the other heroes pretty soon we were excited to hit 100 members and still gave nothing but support of each other.

Today  Fibro heroes has been on FB for a little over a year now and we have grown a lot in membership, it has truly been a blessing to not only connect with others with fibro but to send others in that direction to get more support.  This group has become an extended family and they have been with me through my darkest times,  in fact, they know more about those darker times than anyone else does in my life, because they "Get it". Without them supporting me, honestly I can't say where I would be mentally right now. The group saved my life and continues to effect the way that I deal with fibro.  All 200+ members are all my heroes and I love them dearly


Sunday, August 4, 2013

New journey

 The last time I posted in March I was going through a very rough patch in life.  Well Its now August, and although that patch has gotten a little smoother it's still bumpy and very much under construction.

So much has changed from March to now.  I scared myself back in April when I started have thoughts of suicide again. I didn't act on them of course, but the thoughts were there and they were very intense. Intense enough for me to scare myself and promptly seek help from my psychiatrist/ family doc and my psychologist  With adjustment of medications and a lot of talking, I was finally able to push though those thoughts and get back to "normal".   

My relationship with my husband has improved although I am still trying to get him to open up to me and for us to communicate more, it hasn't been to the point where I want to end the relationship ( It had been to that point, a few months ago but we pushed through it) My marriage vows are scared to me and they are promises I made to God myself and my husband, I don't break my promises.  Through everything I vowed to be there and so here I am, he is there for me too, through everything and let's face it, I can be a horrible person to live with these days stress and pain do some really really weird things to my mood.

 One of the biggest changes in my life at the moment is the fact that after two years of being stuck in one role that I was miserable in, I FINALLY was able to quit my job at Amazon.  I didn't quit because of the company or my co-workers.  I quit because I am now a doctoral student, and quite frankly Amazon wasn't using all of my potential ( there is so much I could have done there if I had been given the chance) and I was just unhappy being stagnant in the role I was in, so I found a new job and quit effective July 19th.  My new job is starting a community choir back "home" so we are now in the process of moving. I am moving in with my mom for a while so that we can find work and I can get this choir up and running. I am not sure how long we are going to be there but its something I am passionate about and will be happy.

With the move comes other challenges like right now, we have no money, no insurance, and did I mention we lost our Family doctor ( she is only going to be seeing pysch patients now and not doing family medicine)  We were heartbroken and realized that with this move we'd have to find new doctors anyway so it works out but it's sad none the less.  

Currently my mood is pretty down, I can't seem to make myself happy no matter what, I am not sure if it is because I am currently not taking any medicine for my fibro and depression or if I am just really nervous about the future but I can't break this funk. Its been MONTHS in this funk, and every time I think I am making a good decision  I always either regret it or second guess myself.  IDK prayers are needed.

We are still trying to have a baby, I think that is another cause of my depression and stress, I found out that I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome and my hormones are so out of wack.  I don't ovulate.  After two months of taking fertility drugs on my end and still haven't even ovulated its getting really illustrating.  There are other factors involved in this too that are too personal to post here but let's just say I feel like I am the only one that knows what I want.    Right now though I think we will have to be content with our fur babies who are our pride and joys they make us smile and let's face it Kittens and Kids, yeahhh almost the same treatment. LOL

 As you can see this post was all over the place kind of like my thoughts but I figured I better update this now before things get super crazy.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Never did I think

 So its been a few months since I last posted. When I did, it was about the loss of our baby.  Well so much has changed since then I felt the need to post an update.

Long story short  both Don and I are both in counseling. He has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  Our marriage of two years to me is in shambles because we can't seem to find common ground with anything anymore.

I am completely at my wits end... I am not considering anything destructive, but I am not sure what to do anymore.

I've been in a massive flare up since December 28th and its been an experience.

I never thought it would come to this state, my mental state is jacked and I just tend to break down a lot now. 

That is currently where I am and we are.