Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Its a GIRL!

 I am going to be 20 weeks tomorrow and we just had our gender ultrasound today.

ITS a BABY GIRL!  Esperanza Faith- Denise Lozano

 Happy and healthy! :)

 AHHHHHHHH Blessed and excited

Thursday, October 9, 2014


 Baby Pictures
  8 Weeks and 2 Days  9/26/14

Heart beat

For the first time, I feel at peace.

 As I get through the 10th week of my pregnancy ( Yes 10 I can't believe it either) I can't help but feeling blessed and admittedly a little on the nervous side still.   All tests and ultrasounds so far show that I am healthy and Baby L is healthy. ( My Baby L is beautiful).  However, with this joy still comes the pain of me missing my Angel baby.   I will never forget my Angel baby and although it was pretty much said that the pregnancy never established ( Egg was absorbed before sperm had a chance to implant) I still will have that grief and memory of those weeks two years ago.

I smile because I am happy to know that I have a healthy baby inside of me right now and I am healthy too. I smile now even though I approach the 2 year anniversary of loosing my Angel baby because last night I got a phone call from my best friend. She told me about a dream she had just woke up from and had to call me right then.  She dreamed that she was in a place filled with fluffy clouds and the background was pastel very pretty orange and pink colors.  In the dream she walked across this calm place and heard the laughter of children, she then came across a room with many children lying in cribs dressed in white. She said they were all laughing and were happy.  She said that a baby came up to her with a mixed ethnicity and was happy and laughing and beautiful.  She said that the babies were of all ethic backgrounds but this one in particular looked Part African American and Part Hispanic.  Her question to me was : " Homie, do you think this was Angel baby?"
My answer: "No doubt in my mind at all"   She told me that she woke up before she could see gender but all she knew as she was holding the baby was that Angel baby is happy and beautiful.
I hadn't ever got to the point where I started imaging what my baby would look like at that point but I was happy to know that my best friend someone I love and trust got to see and hold the baby that I didn't get to hold and tell me that my baby was safe and happy.

It gave me peace and comfort that I haven't felt since all of this happened. It also gave me reassurance that Baby L is meant to be and Angel Bro or Sis  just wanted me to know that they were okay and to get ready for Baby L.

I cry as I write this but it is tears of joy.

October is infant and Prengnacy loss awarness month
RIP to my Angel Baby ( 2012)

We love you so much
Love Mom, Dad, and Baby L.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Blessings and a Miracle

New Job!
New School year!
New Faces
New Kiddos to mold
New Music

New Life

totally blessed.
After a 3 year battle with infertility I am expecting!!!! :) :) :)

Praying for healthy baby growth for the next 8 months :) :)


Monday, August 4, 2014

Trying not to give up hope

  Lots of updates.

I am on a lot of medication now due to fibro. I am also in aquatherapy ( Love this)  I am trying a lot of different things just to see what works and in the mean time I am just in a lot of pain for the most part.  I am trying to control the anger inside. I keep having weird symptoms and I am gaining weight due to the meds which is making me very upset and self conscious. With all the new meds, the weight gain, the pain and all of the doctors and testing I am going through I am trying not to get sad about having a little one.

Prayers needed. 

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Diagnosis... Unconfirmed

 Well, its been awhile since I posted here.

Here is an update,  I started going to see a new OB/GYN. I really really like her  she is very through and very into what her patients need and have to say.

It was my first appointment and my annual examine so there were a lot of questions on both of our parts.  When it came time to answer any questions about past pregenancies I told her what happened to our angel baby two years ago, I said nothing was ever confrimed I can't get a straight answer as to what might have happened.
She and I both said that something could have happened way early on, and no one caught it.  She said well "Unconfirmed Miscarriage"  Something is likely to have happened but we aren't really sure.
Hearing that, gave me a little bit of closure, because she was of the same mindset that I am, there was something there.  It hit home though after discussing other fertility options.

The plan.

Get records from other doc
Up dosage of clomid for 3 months and see what happens
Ultrasound showed no cysts on my ovaries yet I do have PCOS

TMI readers sorry!

I finally admitted to my husband that I suffer from Painful sex and have every since we started having sex. and now I also suffer from vocoluymia ( chronic pain of the vulva) No cause no cure not many treatment options. Like fibromyalgia its just pain...

 Lets see where this lands us.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Our Angel baby.

 I just read a story from a friend of mine that is hoping and praying to adopt a child. She details her struggle, and I got through it crying.

I lost my baby in October of 2012.   At least I am convinced I was pregnant and miscarried super early like early enough for no one to notice.  Nothing has ever been confirmed but I am fully convinced that this happened I don't care what tests say some people just know when things happen and I just knew!

What upsets me more is the fact that I am so destressed about this and I went to my OBGYN at the time and expressed my concerns.  She was not concerned about me at all. It was all " Your husband blah blah blah"  Utter bull shit really.   Needless to say, I changed OB/GYNS as soon as I could and after my first appointment with her in 2013 she was like  you have Poly cystic ovarian syndrome ( Something that my first OB said " No you don't have it")   You aren't ovulating. Let's get this fixed.    For months she put me on fertility meds.  They started to work and then of course I freaking moved.

Haven't ovulated since the move.  So we are heavily considering adopting.
There were times when I thought I was pregnant and all tests were negative  its a lot to handle and the emotions are raw for me because I blame the doctor I had for not taking my issue seriously and I am grateful to my second doc that found the issue right away. 

I want a child badly.  ( We both do)  There is a void in my heart and soul that I can't fill with anything else no matter what I do.   I will always mourn the death of my child, whether it will ever be confirmed or not. To me it was a loss and a big one. One that I am not getting over and no one can tell  me " Oh get over it" Its just not happening.   I know there is a baby that was mine in heaven in a better place. I also know that God will bless me in time with a child of my own or that I can adopt.   I am being patient but I will ALWAYS Mourn... ALways ...

We  Love you Angel baby rest in heaven. Your Mom and Dad . <3 br="">

Another journey

It's been awhile since I've updated.

Not much to tell.
Oh yeah  I am moving to Michigan into my father in law's house.  To occupy the space. I am praying its a better situation and will give us some damn stability.

I still want a kid badly. Does Don? I don't know. You let him tell it and it's a yes, of course but It's not being shown to me.  IDK
I am depressed I am tired I am sick of being sad and unhappy all of the time.

My cats calm me.