** Graphic Language warning***
Has someone ever banged on your door before you opened it? You know.. banging so hard it sounds like a fist is going to come through the door? I learned very early that this wasn't a good knock at the door. Certainly, it could just be the delivery guy or someone else but if you seen the movies or any good crime show that banging on the door is usually followed by these words " POLICE OPEN UP!"
Now, I don't live a wild and crazy life but this banging scares me every single time because I don't know who is on the other side of that door. I'd never really had dealings with law enforcement as a young child, cops were there to keep you safe, they were there to protect and sometimes they had to stop someone from breaking the law. That's what I knew. I also knew about jail ( only that it was somewhere that I never wanted to be) and that's pretty much it. My parents did a great job of making sure we were never afraid of the cops. My grandmother seemed to know every cop in Steubenville anyways so it was nice to just be able to wave at them and be on my way.
That changed however when I was about 12 years old. My grandmother did home health care for a friend and apparently, this lady's young grandson who happened to be black was on the run from the police and they were pursuing him. I remember vividly the grandson running into the house and through the living room and the police kicking down the back door running in after him with guns up. I remember hiding. Apparently, this guy had warrants and drugs on him. they did not use force however, the guns up were enough to scare me for life. They detained him and that was it. I watched from a corner under the table. I never wanted that to be me.
I vowed to only have positive interactions with law enforcement. More on this later.
I consider myself to be a person who is super diverse in everything. If you look at my family and friends I pretty much cover the rainbow and all of its shades. However, I personally am still the target of racism and very much aware of the division between us. Also, I am basing this on skin color alone not on RACE Here are a few examples.
"The only one" I remember being in the band in HS and we literally drove past a large cornfield and my friends were vocal about making sure myself and the three other people of color felt safe as we got off of the bus to go play a pretty awesome team... Why were we so scared? because all we knew were stories of white people killing blacks and putting bodies somewhere where they would never be found.
I graduated from West Liberty University which was a small liberal arts college with roughly 2600 students on campus. In my major, however, I was the only student of color for a long time and in my career there I think we only had 3. Now, no one ever made a big deal out of it in fact, like my shortness and blindness, it was a running joke in the department and things were fine. However, if you've never been "The only one" its a bit of an awkward feeling in a lot of situations. When we would drive through different parts of the US during choir tours there were some places that I felt super uncomfortable being in
Since then I've had many jobs where I've been the only person of color. Not RACE but skin color alone. I currently work with people of a different race but their skin color is white so unfortunately they get grouped into the "white people" category.
Being Profiled: I lived in Huntington WV for 4 years and in that time met amazing people and did some amazing things however location matters when you are black. I remember picking up a prescription from Kroger and then going to the dollar general across the street. I had to make kind of a long trek home, so instead of holding on to the bag with my meds in them I took my pills out of the bag and put them in my coat pocket so that I could have free hands. I walked into dollar general with the intention of checking out the sales and maybe buying something if the deals were good. I walked in and immediately the clerk looks me up and down as I was the only one in the store and starts to follow me with a box pretending like he is stocking. Its helpful at this point to know that I was also with my husband who is Hispanic but on the lighter side so he too is in the "white people" category. I didn't find deals so I begin to walk out of the store and the clerk stops me.
Clerk- "Ma'am will you empty your pockets"
Me- * Because I had nothing to hide* " Umm why?"
Clerk " I heard jingling of pills"
Me- " Pulls out my keys, 75 cents in change and my prescription"
Clerk- *Stammering* Ummm Ummm Umm ummmmmmmm I'm sorry
Me- Yeah.. I walked out and returned10 minutes later to get this guy's name and position turns out he was the manager of the store.
Yep dude thought I was stealing PILLS because he heard jingling in my pocket! Yep I had nothing else better to do...
I called dollar general corporate the following day, they did nothing except say "What do you want us to do?" I haven't shopped there in over 8 years. I will not spend any of my money there and have not even set foot inside a dollar general store since that incident. Truth be told I wanted an apology from corporate and assurance that employees be trained on things. Recognizing where they work and the demographics of their store.
Interracial marriage: My husband is Hispanic and again on the lighter side and of course my skin is dark. Ya'll my father in law was ridiculously prejudiced like to the point of him screaming to my husband "You're not talking to that Nigger again are you? calling him nigger lover etc. this was before I ever met my husband in person and years prior to meeting my father in law in person. I, of course married my awesome husband but was petrified to meet my father in law. He eventually would come around enough to get to know me and accept me. We lived together for about 6 months and I didn't have an issue really in person. I was always scared though always...
Back to Huntington, Don and I would often walk places and one day as we walked down 5th ave. ( Excuse me for being super stereotypical right now) but a red pick up truck with a Confederate flag and two white men in flanel shirts reveed their engines stopped beside us walking and yelled :NIGGERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" and sped away. Makes ya feel reallllllllllllllllll safe walking anywhere now eh? .. ITs a CRAP feeling.
Giving birth:
If you know me, its no secret that my pregnancies were extremely complicated. By the time my 3rd child came along, the hospital staff knew me very well and I was a frequent flyer there. Never for drugs but I had issues. The day before I had my 3rd son ( Lio) I had a prenatal appointment. Life was great, I had made it to 36 +6 ( longer than I'd ever made it with any pregnancy ) my husband and I stoped at Tim Hortons before my appointment grabbed a giant piece of Lemon Poppyseed Muffin and a Peach tea and off to my appointment, I went. I ended up being sent to the hospital with an BP of 180/110 and suspected pre ecampisa ( I was scheduled to have a C section the next day) So I packed my stuff went to the hospital and checked in and got comfy. Ended up being a false alarm and I just stayed in the hospital unit the next morning for my scheduled surgery.
I wake up the next day, all excited because I'm now 37 weeks and Lio is full term. My husband and Pastor get to the hospital at the same time and we are talking and excited and my Dr. comes in... she asks to talk with Don and I alone.
Dr. So you know we do a drug screen on all women right?
Me- Yes ( By now they have had my pee, blood, etc) so again nothing fo me to hide.
Dr. So you tested positive for opiates
me- Makes no sense I was here all day yesterday and the only thing differently I did was eat a lemon poppyseed muffin.
Dr- Tells me the protocol and how they have to call a social worker and she has to call CPS etc.
me- After that point I just sobbed because all I could think of was them taking my baby away from me. I am a teacher, and in the ministry and I thought they were going to take my baby away from me. Now part of this is because TOledo is heavy on the Opaite addictions and I know its a safety thing as it should be, however:
My baby was born healthy and a great birth weight. and I remember a nurse coming into my room to check him out. She was so rude and cold to me, and said something about needing to take my baby away to "check him out" and get an x ray of his arm. Didn't read anything about ME just knew my test came back positive.
By then also the social worker had come in, was also super rude and explained the process and ended up getting chrewed out by my husband.
My nurse told me that they had a room in policy at the hospital so that the baby wouldn't have to leave my room except for once a day. THEY Kept talking my baby away every 4 hours! I didn't find out until 6 hours after giving birth that they were taking my baby to check him for withdraw symptoms. So for the 1st night of my child's life. I was treated like A criminal. ( BY THE WAY, turns out it was the Lemon poppyseed muffin that gave the false positive)
"I'm scared"
"I'm the only one"
"I'm a Nigger"
"NIGGER"
"I am uncomfortable"
"I can't walk down the street"
"I'm a pill stealer"
" I am a drug addict mother with an addicted baby"
"I am scared of ANYONE knocking on my door"
I shouldn't feel this way. This is what people thought about me based on NOTHING but my skin color
Kenneth Chamberlain, 66 "Why do you have your guns out?”
Trayvon Martin, 16 “What are you following me for?”
. Amadou Diallo, 23 “Mom, I’m going to college.”
. Michael Brown, 18 “I don’t have a gun. Stop shooting.”
. Oscar Grant, 22 “You shot me! You shot me!”
John Crawford, 22 “It’s not real.”
. Eric Garner, 43 “I can’t breathe.”
Ahmaud Arbery, 25 * Gunned down while jogging because he was perceived to be a robber*
George Floyd 46 " It hurts, my neck, my back, everything hurts"
I am missing a lot but these is based on SKIN COLOR. Why because that is what is seen. Shoot first and ask questions later. 9 innocent people ... and I am missing several... I am scared
I am a mom of two mixed boys and I have to eventually have a conversation with them as they grow as to how they should conduct themselves when they encounter law enforcement. I have to have the same conversation with my girls. If you don't know what conversation I'm talking about, then educate yourself. It is a COLOR thing and a RACE perception thing. RACISM IS ALIVE AND WELL FOLKS. Be apart of the solution and not the problem. EDUCATE Yourself. ASK questions.
Next time someone says " I don't see color" " My friends are black" " We are all just people"
" We are all the same in GOd's eyes"
Think about it.. Are we?? Are we Really??
Its 2020...
How are we still here?? How?? and how can we be the change and lead the change?
I love you ALL, I don't care what you look like I care how you act and treat others.
THIS though has to stop
The more you know....
