Sunday, August 4, 2013

New journey

 The last time I posted in March I was going through a very rough patch in life.  Well Its now August, and although that patch has gotten a little smoother it's still bumpy and very much under construction.

So much has changed from March to now.  I scared myself back in April when I started have thoughts of suicide again. I didn't act on them of course, but the thoughts were there and they were very intense. Intense enough for me to scare myself and promptly seek help from my psychiatrist/ family doc and my psychologist  With adjustment of medications and a lot of talking, I was finally able to push though those thoughts and get back to "normal".   

My relationship with my husband has improved although I am still trying to get him to open up to me and for us to communicate more, it hasn't been to the point where I want to end the relationship ( It had been to that point, a few months ago but we pushed through it) My marriage vows are scared to me and they are promises I made to God myself and my husband, I don't break my promises.  Through everything I vowed to be there and so here I am, he is there for me too, through everything and let's face it, I can be a horrible person to live with these days stress and pain do some really really weird things to my mood.

 One of the biggest changes in my life at the moment is the fact that after two years of being stuck in one role that I was miserable in, I FINALLY was able to quit my job at Amazon.  I didn't quit because of the company or my co-workers.  I quit because I am now a doctoral student, and quite frankly Amazon wasn't using all of my potential ( there is so much I could have done there if I had been given the chance) and I was just unhappy being stagnant in the role I was in, so I found a new job and quit effective July 19th.  My new job is starting a community choir back "home" so we are now in the process of moving. I am moving in with my mom for a while so that we can find work and I can get this choir up and running. I am not sure how long we are going to be there but its something I am passionate about and will be happy.

With the move comes other challenges like right now, we have no money, no insurance, and did I mention we lost our Family doctor ( she is only going to be seeing pysch patients now and not doing family medicine)  We were heartbroken and realized that with this move we'd have to find new doctors anyway so it works out but it's sad none the less.  

Currently my mood is pretty down, I can't seem to make myself happy no matter what, I am not sure if it is because I am currently not taking any medicine for my fibro and depression or if I am just really nervous about the future but I can't break this funk. Its been MONTHS in this funk, and every time I think I am making a good decision  I always either regret it or second guess myself.  IDK prayers are needed.

We are still trying to have a baby, I think that is another cause of my depression and stress, I found out that I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome and my hormones are so out of wack.  I don't ovulate.  After two months of taking fertility drugs on my end and still haven't even ovulated its getting really illustrating.  There are other factors involved in this too that are too personal to post here but let's just say I feel like I am the only one that knows what I want.    Right now though I think we will have to be content with our fur babies who are our pride and joys they make us smile and let's face it Kittens and Kids, yeahhh almost the same treatment. LOL

 As you can see this post was all over the place kind of like my thoughts but I figured I better update this now before things get super crazy.

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