Sunday, September 23, 2012

Emotions going haywire

  So I am normally not the one to be depressed about much, I've dealt with a lot of adversity in my life and I have been able to overcome it and not just feel sorry and halt my life.  For the last few months I've just been depressed, and angry.  Not at anything in particular but  I am finding it difficult to deal with the changes that are going on with my body, and its affecting a lot.  I'll describe in detail the areas that Fibro has pretty much halted or put a tremendous strain on.

Marriage and my relationship with my husband

My husband and I have (  had) a very healthy loving relationship.  We still do to an extent. Since the fibro diagnosis my husband treats me like glass, we don't have the intimacy that we used to have because there are just days where he can not even touch me.  Intimacy to me ( not sex) is really important to me, I like the feeling of cuddling up with my husband with his arms wrapped around me it gives me a feeling of security and protection.  I really miss that, I feel so a lone now, even though I am not, I feel like it. He doesn't want to hurt me (Physically by touching me) so he abstains from it and man I'll tell you it SUCKS! To not be able to hug the ones you love because it HURTS? it sucks and it is a terrible feeling, but it is one that I feel every single day.

Also, due to the economy and the job market here in Huntington, my husband is lucky if he gets seasonal employment. I was blessed and lucky to find a permanent job and one that allows me to work from home, but my poor husband has not had that same kind of luck.  So we fight all of the time about finances,  He is in school and so am I , we do not have a car so we are limited both on time and transportation, so my husband has to look for a job that will work around both his school schedule and the bus schedule which do not run on Sundays.  So it is tough, I stress out about money and bills and he does too but its hard to really do anything about it. So of course I stress out and get all mad and angry because i am the only one working and then he feels like crap, and we go off to our separate corners, once again ( see above ) I am alone, since we can't "kiss and make up".

  He told me that due to the constant mood swings I have it is like "Walking on egg shells" around me because one moment I can be really happy and then the next I can be really mad, angry and depressed.  To hear him say that honestly broke my heart and literally crushed me.  I never ever want someone to feel that way and it dawned on me that wow things have really gotten bad, and honestly I am scared for my marriage. I love my husband and really don't want to loose him because I have become for lack of a better description high maintenance and a constant time bomb.  


I've been blessed with a work from home job and right now I am taking classes online to boost my credentials while actively searching for a job in Higher education and researching where I want to get my Doctoral degree from.
So I am constantly at a computer.  Due to the limitations my body pretty much put on me, the amount of physical activity I do is really limited.  I used to walk everywhere and walk a lot, I got tired obviously but never hurt until now.  I am limited to walking 1-2 miles a day, and that is it. Usually I can do a lot more but nope my body is like OH NO.  If I try to push my self and do a lot in a day, I pay for it greatly for the next 2-3 days because my body gets pissed off as if to say " I told you to listen to me you ran me rugged and now you aren't moving for the next 3 days I need a break" 
Mind you, this is only after ONE day!!!

   Consequently, I've gained 5lbs and am now the heaviest I've ever been in my life! 125lbs, some may say " I wish I was that small: but to me its significant, since I've maintained a consistent weight since the age of 12 of 110 LBS.  Due to not being as active as I was 3 months ago and the medicine that I take my doctor said that is what is doing it.  She is not concerned and told me to stick with my 1500 calorie diet but just watch my stress eating and "comfort foods"   To be always on the go this time a year ago, to pretty much being very limited in my activities now has just put me in a state of disaray and depression, because my brain and my determination says get up and push through whatever you are feeling and just do it! My body says "Hell no! sit your butt down!!" My body is winning the fight and I am one to keep fighting but I am running out to weapons to fight my body. 

I have also had to cut back on everything including choral union, since I am so tired and fatigued all of the time, I am sleeping through rehearsals and  so in fairness to the ensemble I will not just show up for 2-3 practices when I am feeling good so I need to get my strength back up before I can go back consistently. 

Things are getting scary.