Thursday, November 1, 2012

When life gives you lemonade and ice... Spike it and have a freaking drink!

  I haven't wrote a thing in here since the end of September,  and it is now November 1st and I am finally able to post.

October had to be the freakiest month ( and no not because of Halloween)  I've ever experienced.  Why? Well.. lets start at the beginning.

In every woman's life we all go through that lovely time of every month , well since Don and I are trying and have been trying to have a baby, we've tracked my cycle and my body has been working like clock work.  Well at the beginning of October, right when my cycle was set to begin, it NEVER Came! This was alarming but I didn't think much of it until about 2 weeks later and still nothing! Within those two weeks I'd gained weight, been sick every day, been tired but surprisingly fibro symptom free.  Being free of pain from fibro was new since it's been about a year now since I started really having trouble but boy did I feel great! We are talking pain from 10 down to 3's 2's and 1's and sometimes NO Pain at all!  This was great I felt wonderful, but was still having other symptoms like I was pregnant. So I decided to take my first home pregnancy test.  When the test came back, it was negative I thought OK, I'll wait another week before taking another home test and also schedule an appointment at my OB/GYN's office to really confirm or deny this.  A week later I was nervous and took the second home test ( mind you with these same symptoms) and it too came back negative!

By now I am scared but didn't let the negative tests deter me as I know that this happens sometime.  I waited until my OB appointment to really get some clarifying answers.  So we went on October 16th and we spoke with the nurse, she told me I was 6 weeks along if I was pregnant but we wanted to take a blood test for sure.  Waiting on those results were like waiting on the results of a DNA test to prove your innocence or something it was HELL!  When the results came that day, that was the low blow that we were indeed NOT expecting. So it was devastating.

Two days later we were back in my OB's Office mauling over possibilities, she ruled out any serious health concerns like cancer or cysts, and dropped the next bomb on us that we should test for infertility.  This was the breaking point for us both.  Our emotions had been through every single extreme in 2 weeks. Excitement that we might be pregnant- to Devastated that we weren't pregnant to scared that there was something wrong with my body, and now we were scared that we might not be able to have kids at all.  We scheduled my husbands testing for a week after that appointment, and the week leading up to it all was so long and HELLISH!  He was scared, I was scared, and we were both completely stressed, emotional and just at our wits end, not to mention that Flow at this point had STILL not made an appearance but I still had all of these symptoms.  

My Husband had his testing for infertility and the results were done in 45 minutes, we found out we can produce and everything is above normal.  More emotions right? Yep!

Finally after about 2 months of no Flow and all of this drama, we researched and confirmed that I was probably indeed pregnant and miscarried early. So another low blow. On October 23rd I noticed huge chunks of tissue within my discharge and brownish blood.  Three days later FLOW decided to come back with a vengeance, fibro symptoms came back full force and yeah things are "My normal"

This has certainly been a hellish month and an experience emotionally. We just thank God for the blessings we do have in life and we are still trying to have a baby we aren't giving up but there you have it folks!


God Bless!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Emotions going haywire

  So I am normally not the one to be depressed about much, I've dealt with a lot of adversity in my life and I have been able to overcome it and not just feel sorry and halt my life.  For the last few months I've just been depressed, and angry.  Not at anything in particular but  I am finding it difficult to deal with the changes that are going on with my body, and its affecting a lot.  I'll describe in detail the areas that Fibro has pretty much halted or put a tremendous strain on.

Marriage and my relationship with my husband

My husband and I have (  had) a very healthy loving relationship.  We still do to an extent. Since the fibro diagnosis my husband treats me like glass, we don't have the intimacy that we used to have because there are just days where he can not even touch me.  Intimacy to me ( not sex) is really important to me, I like the feeling of cuddling up with my husband with his arms wrapped around me it gives me a feeling of security and protection.  I really miss that, I feel so a lone now, even though I am not, I feel like it. He doesn't want to hurt me (Physically by touching me) so he abstains from it and man I'll tell you it SUCKS! To not be able to hug the ones you love because it HURTS? it sucks and it is a terrible feeling, but it is one that I feel every single day.

Also, due to the economy and the job market here in Huntington, my husband is lucky if he gets seasonal employment. I was blessed and lucky to find a permanent job and one that allows me to work from home, but my poor husband has not had that same kind of luck.  So we fight all of the time about finances,  He is in school and so am I , we do not have a car so we are limited both on time and transportation, so my husband has to look for a job that will work around both his school schedule and the bus schedule which do not run on Sundays.  So it is tough, I stress out about money and bills and he does too but its hard to really do anything about it. So of course I stress out and get all mad and angry because i am the only one working and then he feels like crap, and we go off to our separate corners, once again ( see above ) I am alone, since we can't "kiss and make up".

  He told me that due to the constant mood swings I have it is like "Walking on egg shells" around me because one moment I can be really happy and then the next I can be really mad, angry and depressed.  To hear him say that honestly broke my heart and literally crushed me.  I never ever want someone to feel that way and it dawned on me that wow things have really gotten bad, and honestly I am scared for my marriage. I love my husband and really don't want to loose him because I have become for lack of a better description high maintenance and a constant time bomb.  


I've been blessed with a work from home job and right now I am taking classes online to boost my credentials while actively searching for a job in Higher education and researching where I want to get my Doctoral degree from.
So I am constantly at a computer.  Due to the limitations my body pretty much put on me, the amount of physical activity I do is really limited.  I used to walk everywhere and walk a lot, I got tired obviously but never hurt until now.  I am limited to walking 1-2 miles a day, and that is it. Usually I can do a lot more but nope my body is like OH NO.  If I try to push my self and do a lot in a day, I pay for it greatly for the next 2-3 days because my body gets pissed off as if to say " I told you to listen to me you ran me rugged and now you aren't moving for the next 3 days I need a break" 
Mind you, this is only after ONE day!!!

   Consequently, I've gained 5lbs and am now the heaviest I've ever been in my life! 125lbs, some may say " I wish I was that small: but to me its significant, since I've maintained a consistent weight since the age of 12 of 110 LBS.  Due to not being as active as I was 3 months ago and the medicine that I take my doctor said that is what is doing it.  She is not concerned and told me to stick with my 1500 calorie diet but just watch my stress eating and "comfort foods"   To be always on the go this time a year ago, to pretty much being very limited in my activities now has just put me in a state of disaray and depression, because my brain and my determination says get up and push through whatever you are feeling and just do it! My body says "Hell no! sit your butt down!!" My body is winning the fight and I am one to keep fighting but I am running out to weapons to fight my body. 

I have also had to cut back on everything including choral union, since I am so tired and fatigued all of the time, I am sleeping through rehearsals and  so in fairness to the ensemble I will not just show up for 2-3 practices when I am feeling good so I need to get my strength back up before I can go back consistently. 

Things are getting scary.


Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Missing my stepdad like you wouldn't believe.

  So for the last few weeks I've had a lot weighing on my mind, and the one person I know that would have been impartial to anything I had to say is in heaven.  I so badly wanted to call my stepdad to vent to him about something, and literally went to dial the number and went " Oh s*****"  then I curled up and broke down in tears.  

Its been a little over a year since he passed and so much has changed so quick.  There are things that I always thought he was wrong about and it turns out he was bloody right! ( I am sure he is saying " See I bloody told you!")  I miss the fact that I could ask anything and he always had an answer for me, good bad, BS :), Corny it didn't matter he figured out away to answer my question or give me advice about something.  

Never take your loved ones for granted. We aren't promised tomorrow. Love and appreciate everything, the good, bad, BS or corny.  Cherish it all because you will miss it and the ones who fed it to you. 

I love and miss you Mr. David more than you know. 

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Inner Vs. Outer Beauty

   You know, I've never been into the way I look, or the way anyone looks for that matter.  I believe that true beauty is on the inside, and no matter how much make up you wear, how expensive your clothes and accessories were, or how good your hair looks, you better have the personality to back all that materialistic crap up.

When I met Don, we fell in love with each other's personalities, and voices, we had no pictures to go by, therefore; when he met me he saw Me, hair was a hot ass mess, I was in a 7 year old pair of jeans ( Still have) a nice short sleeve stripped shirt ( still have) and a blue sweat jacket ( still have that too) and no make up whatsoever, in fact I'd came running from some class I was in that day when he laid eyes on me in person for the very first time.   He was wearing a pair of black jeans, a red turtle neck, a pair of black boots, a black leather jacket and a hat that reminded me of a limo driver.

My God I remember that very first encounter at WLSC  We had to search for a parking place on campus before we could even get settled in, and I remember getting into his rental, and directing him out of the road and into a safe parking lot  down in the beta hall parking lot.  He turned off the car and we both looked at each other, and I said "Hi!" he said "Hi" back, we both had this cheesy freaking grin on our faces, and he kissed me so passionately that I don't ever think I will forget.  :) :) Ahh but I digress,  My point is, I am happily married now, and you know what? I am still the same person, but my husband tells me all of the time that I look "beautiful", "Gorgeous", "hot" and "Sexy".  I never really believed him, because growing up, with the exception of some family who knew Me for Me, no one else gave a crap about my inner beauty, they focused on the outer.  Now, my family is pretty good looking if I do say so myself, so I know I've got the outer beauty, but I also know too that I've got inner beauty to match. I think for the most part I am kind and  to everyone I met, and I try to be friendly if someone has another opinion, please share.

This is for anyone who's been told they weren't pretty, cute, handsome, never worth any guy/ or girl's time of day because of looks.  Well guys, take a look at yourself. Check the inner beauty, doll that up, make yourself look amazing on the inside and you will feel better and look better ( healthier ) on the outside too.

* KE*

Monday, March 26, 2012

My Fibromyalga Journey

I refuse to be highly medicated, or let this condition take over my body.
Yes, I am in constant pain, and some days are better than others, but with love, support and major changes to my lifestyle I know I am going to be able to function as I did before this diagnosis.

My journey started about 3 years ago when I would constantly get muscle spasms in my back, I took muscle relaxers and went to physical therapy for a few months and things got better. A few months later, the spasms returned and after constant trips to the ER they told me the condition was chronic but they ( ER Docs ) couldn't diagnose me with anything since they only deal with acute cases. I chalked everything up to "its going to come and go"
Fast forward to 2011, pain got worse and it was to the point where I was not sleeping at night. I went to my primary doc and explained this to her, she said "I think its fibromyalga" but she gave me muscle relaxers and said take them at night to help you sleep. This was OK for a few months but then the pain got so bad during the day, during the night, whatever I did was not working and I never took pain meds until I was done working and functioning for the day, therefore making the meds useless. Once the pain got to the point where my husband could not touch me, and everything no matter what I did hurt. It was affecting my marriage, my work performance, and my mood which was usually content. I went to my doctor this past week and pretty much told her, I dont want to rely on pain meds, and I was at a loss of how to effectively manage this without it.

Her response was this: " You don't want to be dependent on pain meds... thats fair" the question is now how do we manage this.
Here were her suggestions
She prescribed Cymbalta ( which I've heard mixed reviews about I am trying it to see how it works for me) which won't knock me out during the day but its supposed to help "lessen the blow" its not a pain killer but it calms the nerves down thus making pain that would be a 10 decrease to like a 7 which is good for me :) I'll take any relief and only take my flexeril when I have a flare up. Which I am OK with since flares are going to happen and the flexeril works but its not good all of the time.

I am on a strict exercise routine I have to walk at least 30 minutes a day
Avoid Caffine
Cut out the things that trigger your stress its important one of my stresses is the fact that I am dissatisfied with my job, and I am unable to sit for a long period of time so I cut way back on my hours and am going to work in short spurts
Get counseling- I am joining support groups and seeing a therapist to help with managing stress levels.

I hope these help someone.

This is my 3rd day into this routine, I havent noticed a change yet, but I am staying positive and patient.

I'll keep you all posted

Much Love!
God Bless