Thursday, October 9, 2014

For the first time, I feel at peace.

 As I get through the 10th week of my pregnancy ( Yes 10 I can't believe it either) I can't help but feeling blessed and admittedly a little on the nervous side still.   All tests and ultrasounds so far show that I am healthy and Baby L is healthy. ( My Baby L is beautiful).  However, with this joy still comes the pain of me missing my Angel baby.   I will never forget my Angel baby and although it was pretty much said that the pregnancy never established ( Egg was absorbed before sperm had a chance to implant) I still will have that grief and memory of those weeks two years ago.

I smile because I am happy to know that I have a healthy baby inside of me right now and I am healthy too. I smile now even though I approach the 2 year anniversary of loosing my Angel baby because last night I got a phone call from my best friend. She told me about a dream she had just woke up from and had to call me right then.  She dreamed that she was in a place filled with fluffy clouds and the background was pastel very pretty orange and pink colors.  In the dream she walked across this calm place and heard the laughter of children, she then came across a room with many children lying in cribs dressed in white. She said they were all laughing and were happy.  She said that a baby came up to her with a mixed ethnicity and was happy and laughing and beautiful.  She said that the babies were of all ethic backgrounds but this one in particular looked Part African American and Part Hispanic.  Her question to me was : " Homie, do you think this was Angel baby?"
My answer: "No doubt in my mind at all"   She told me that she woke up before she could see gender but all she knew as she was holding the baby was that Angel baby is happy and beautiful.
I hadn't ever got to the point where I started imaging what my baby would look like at that point but I was happy to know that my best friend someone I love and trust got to see and hold the baby that I didn't get to hold and tell me that my baby was safe and happy.

It gave me peace and comfort that I haven't felt since all of this happened. It also gave me reassurance that Baby L is meant to be and Angel Bro or Sis  just wanted me to know that they were okay and to get ready for Baby L.

I cry as I write this but it is tears of joy.

October is infant and Prengnacy loss awarness month
RIP to my Angel Baby ( 2012)

We love you so much
Love Mom, Dad, and Baby L.

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