Sunday, March 9, 2014

Our Angel baby.

 I just read a story from a friend of mine that is hoping and praying to adopt a child. She details her struggle, and I got through it crying.

I lost my baby in October of 2012.   At least I am convinced I was pregnant and miscarried super early like early enough for no one to notice.  Nothing has ever been confirmed but I am fully convinced that this happened I don't care what tests say some people just know when things happen and I just knew!

What upsets me more is the fact that I am so destressed about this and I went to my OBGYN at the time and expressed my concerns.  She was not concerned about me at all. It was all " Your husband blah blah blah"  Utter bull shit really.   Needless to say, I changed OB/GYNS as soon as I could and after my first appointment with her in 2013 she was like  you have Poly cystic ovarian syndrome ( Something that my first OB said " No you don't have it")   You aren't ovulating. Let's get this fixed.    For months she put me on fertility meds.  They started to work and then of course I freaking moved.

Haven't ovulated since the move.  So we are heavily considering adopting.
There were times when I thought I was pregnant and all tests were negative  its a lot to handle and the emotions are raw for me because I blame the doctor I had for not taking my issue seriously and I am grateful to my second doc that found the issue right away. 

I want a child badly.  ( We both do)  There is a void in my heart and soul that I can't fill with anything else no matter what I do.   I will always mourn the death of my child, whether it will ever be confirmed or not. To me it was a loss and a big one. One that I am not getting over and no one can tell  me " Oh get over it" Its just not happening.   I know there is a baby that was mine in heaven in a better place. I also know that God will bless me in time with a child of my own or that I can adopt.   I am being patient but I will ALWAYS Mourn... ALways ...

We  Love you Angel baby rest in heaven. Your Mom and Dad . <3 br="">

Another journey

It's been awhile since I've updated.

Not much to tell.
Oh yeah  I am moving to Michigan into my father in law's house.  To occupy the space. I am praying its a better situation and will give us some damn stability.

I still want a kid badly. Does Don? I don't know. You let him tell it and it's a yes, of course but It's not being shown to me.  IDK
I am depressed I am tired I am sick of being sad and unhappy all of the time.

My cats calm me.